With the amount of off field debauchery that has been carried out by the blue boys since the season opener, Blue Beard has had to get his mate Blue Balls in on the action in order to keep a-breast of the clubs social scene, so welcome to the first edition of BLUE BALLS.

After the exploits of the man they call Maverick, el Mavericko or desert eagle lone wolf on the Singleton bus trip, Blue Balls has decided to record his adventures for the ages. I mean after all, any man who can scull 2 litres of absinth out of an old shoe whilst reciting the man from Snowy River and pulling the number of that new hot bartender at the cricketers arms simultaneously is worth writing about.

Recent sightings of The Legend have been rare however the always elusive Kyle Lawson has been spotted more and more regularly at Islington Park. Coincidence? I think not.

   

More to the point however in recent times maverick has shown that the size of his bulging arms is only matched by the size of his heart. Maverick has seen the plight of newly appointed 3rd grade captain Rhys 'Pest' Haigh, noticing that whilst Pest punches well above his weight on the footy field (and at a scrofulous 65 kilograms he would bloody well want too) his ability in the ladies department is somewhat less notable. This is most likely due to Pests bull at a gate / Van Niekirk at an ear type style of attack which can come across as subtle as a brick to the face and has seen the pest go without the warm embrace of a woman for many moons. Speculation arises as to this being the cause behind the N.Z. lad's style of rugby revolving around throwing himself under much larger opposition with the ferocity of Cameron 'I don't respect no-one' Sanderson hooking into a pot roast. Insiders have likened the Mavericks charm and wit to that of a modern day Gene Simmons with more tongue and surely with this modern day lethario in his corner, the Pest will strike gold soon. We can only hope that Pests next potential lover does more than bring an overnight bag to the Commonwealth with the intention of a late night rendezvous with Rhys only to force him to occupy the couch. Stay tuned results to follow in the coming weeks.

    

Staying on the social side of things the Maverick was sighted, very fleetingly, at ex club captain Mr. Lewis' recent 30th birthday at the Yacht club. The Maverick has asked to pass on his best wishes to Adam for reaching the milestone and would also like to congratulate Joe Ebbs for being the best looking man on the night if not in the galaxy. Joe and partner in crime Tom Lewis were as well lubricated as ever and as always greeted the maverick in their customary way, by launching themselves at him with their foreheads (Joes slightly better in shape than Toms). Joe was seen standing out the front of the Honeysuckle Hotel later that evening handing out personalised business cards featuring full frontal nude shots of the Gerard Butler lookalike. Consequently Ebbs is now listed in the Newcastle sex offenders register along with the nights other offenders including Tom 'Sleazeoid' Gilmour and Donald 'number 5' Seed and Kahrl 'Show me the pussy' Hernandez for excessive loitering.

In other news, Maverick was popping into the ear nose and throat specialist the other day on the way back from N.A.S.A training camp to see if Mad Mick Jennings had recovered from the brutal ear bashing he received from el Mavericko regarding the C grade selection policy at East Maitland and ran into Lee 'Fig' Newton in the waiting room. Maverick was initially enraged upon hearing the tale of the stomp but regained composure, stating that revenge is a dish best served cold. Since this time Maverick has been spotted at Rod Scott Pallets nailing some 9mm screws into his boots. We can only hope Charl returns from his suspension in C grade.


    

Wanderers V The Students

Prem 3s

Three from three!!! The boys running around in third grade this year are off to a cracker of a start, and after speaking to the coach Mick 'man up you girl' Jennings, it became clearer to me than the bottom of a schooner glass that both he and the team were not going to settle for anything less than a strong victory against Uni. And didnt they what!! As per usual the third grade side put on a show, and for the first time since i can remember i remained sober for the duration of a footy match on a Saturday morning. Uni were quick out wide, however the Wanderers combated this with sheer brutality up front. The young gun known only as 'Mavericks mate' (Chris Adams) made several barn storming runs, dragging defenders with him as he tore a new one in the Uni defensive line and crossed the chalk. Goal kicking from sublime Nathan Ironfield was again superb and Adam 'the heart break kid' Lewis was inspiration both in attack and defence. This game was over long before the final whistle, allowing Mick to give some of new recruits such as Tom Kirkwood a run in the later stages. Special mention to Simon 'Yen-Dog' Yannis for another great performance by the big man.

Colts

After a strong win against the gropers the previous week, I was well and truly prepared to put some money on the boys against the young academics. Luckily for me my mothers not a betting lady and my roommate was waiting for dole day, so my proposed bet fell on deaf ears. The nerds came out strong, and blew our boys off the paddock. The first half was not one for the wank bank, as on the back of penalties and what i can only describe as sloppy defence allowed Uni to post several tries. The break however proved to be a blessing in disguise for our lads, again the second half was much better than the first. Harley 'cheech and chong' Davidson not only keeping one eye on the strappers tent, found himself in open space several times however scrambling defence by our future politicians denied the boys in blue. Unfortunately Dorian 'hot head' Simes was given the urine coloured card for arguing with the goal post, however in typical simes sibling behavior provided entertainment for the fans with some rather unusual behaviour. In typical Simes-esk fashion Dorian punched and kicked the fence, the bin, swore at opposition players and blew a kiss at lunch lady Doris. Nathan Tuckerman was not to be outdone however, given a straight red card for asking the referee out on a date. Im not sure what BK + The Bod are saying to the boys at training but its about time we embrace both the anger issues and sexual preferences of these fine young men. Mike 'the knightrider' Knight was exceptional in wet conditions out wide, and Mitch 'dont call me mitchy' Wilson and Simon 'Casper' Moffatt were good up front. Although the blues went down in this one, they can hold their heads high as there was promising signs for the boys. Best on ground went to Harley 'the marlboro man' Davidson and Declan 'smokin joe' Foster-Manton. Special mention to 17 year olds 'Mad' Max Jones on holidays from TKS and Jack Derwin for their stirling performances. 
 

Prem 2

Wet'n Wild, and im not talking about the parties i used to host as a teen when my oldies were down at the bowlo. This game was played in drivin rain, and the score line alluded to this. David 'Walter' Walton was good in the backs, directing the play like a director in a bukkake film. Although the blue boys were unable to cross the line, they definitely troubled the tree hugging goon drinkers, with only desperate defence keeping Wanderers at bay. New Kiwi recruit Tommy Gilmour was good off the bench, and Joe 'Hot shot' Ebbs was like a bull at a gate up front. Adam 'lady theif' Harrison was a standout, and out wide Luke '2006 Medowie Sportsman of the year' Miller and Liam 'Leeroy' McNeil were yet again ones to watch. In a game that could of gone either way, much like a Mike Rabbit - Ray Dineen arm wrestle in the showers under the green room, one try was enough for the geeks to come home with the goods. Young Giles 'biblical proportions' Gibbons has been playing good footy and coping well after coming up through colts last year. A special mention to super coach Mark 'Zuckerberg' Sherwood, who was so pumped he ripped his shirt off in disgust and walked all the way home in the rain after several 50-50 calls going the way of the students. Of special note was the warm up provided by 'Maverick' a kind gesture to help mend the scar's after his mid-week 'blow up' at the C Grade management team. A perfect case of 'we not me'. 
 

Prem 1

Following a memorable win against the gropers @ the Dome, confidence was as high as Jimmy Wivells pants leading into the 'Match of the Round' against Uni. In conditions better suited for an outdoor Beiber concert, the lads warmed up under the watchful eye of Goldy 'The Goldfish' Goldmeister and huddled in the sheds like a group of school girls prior to kick off. After a silly penalty, uni posted first points, slotting a penalty goal. Not long after sharp shooter Wivell kicked one to get the boys back to level. Just before the break - the Seahorse were given a leg up as not one, but two Wanderers were sent off for 10 mins each and onto the pavement. Scottish debutant and human Oracle Donald 'wheres your troosers' Seed and Jimmy 'ebay shoes' Wivell were given ten minutes each to collect their thoughts and get a sneaky hot dog or two into them before coming back on. This placed immense pressure on the boys, who defended on their line for the ten minutes straight. Brutal defence from Azamat, the Christensen boys and Nick Crosskill denied their forwards while Anthony 'Trent' Barrett, 'lethal' Lee Newton and Nick 'hand of god' Kaiser did well out wide. James Wivell quickly went from villain to hero as he kicked another two goals, keeping the boys in blue six points ahead of the academics. David Walton, after playing a full game in twos was required early in the game and did not disappoint. I distinctly remember hearing Brian Lewis telling the droves 'I always knew he had it in him, it just took me a while to train him up both physically and mentally', and didnt Brian do a good job. As the referee choked on his whistle after the eighty minutes, it quickly became apparent that Wanderers had just had one of the better victories ever witnessed by blue beard. My sources tell me the boys were very keen to get off the field and into the showers where more Girl Scout behaviour took place. Like I've always said, body heat is the key and the wanderers first grade squad listened well. Best on ground was Jimmy Wiv, Nick Crosskill, Luke Gibson + special mention to 17 yr old Zac Attallah home from TKS for the holidays who fitted in magnificently in the no.15.
 

The BEARD goes WEIRD

This week Im digging deeper than a Welsh Coal Miner and going weirder than ever before. The connection between rugby players and the art of song has both troubled and aroused me for quite some time, but never in such a way that got my blood pumping last Saturday night at the cricketers. Tommy 'soft hands' Towers, a mentor, a legend, a lord of the man, decided after the great win against Uni that the boys needed to celebrate like we did in the old days. And Im not referring to the old days where we used to hire a motel room and play spin the bottle with one another, Im talking about the old days where we celebrated a win with a manly yet somewhat feminine sing-a-long. Tommy Towers, like the great man that he is, rounded the backup singers and sexually promiscuous dancers, jumped up on the stools and shouted 'hit the lights!!' to our new favourite publican, Mr Kinkade. Tommy got the hips swaying and the fingers clicking as he hit the high notes, getting the girls, boys, and even Rowan Parkers' man-wig singing along with him. However, there is nothing weird about this, this was a great moment from a greater man and brings a tear to my eye when thinking about it. This brings me to the weird part. Everybody knows Liam 'wheels' McNeil is well renowned for his fashion sense, Matt 'mad as a cut snake' Bowman for his famous modelling shoots and Darren 'brady' Young for his harsh but fair treatment of home invaders. But how many of you knew about Rocking Roddy Scotts' connection to the bagpipes?? In actual fact its probably not a well kept secret Roddy goes to town on the bagpipes, sometimes blowing himself to sleep on weekdays. However, my sources tell me Roddy the Body has been using his bagpipe playing skills for evil rather than good recently. I have been informed that in a despicable act, Roddy lured several ladies towards him at a trendy night spot in Beaumont street with his bagpipe playing motions whilst dancing to a popular ACDC hit. I mean where do we draw the line?? Surely this is breaking some kind of rule. The ladies had no defence for this rather innovative approach of flirtation. Although some may say that the hip movements and ferocious back and forth hand gestures by Mr. Scott were so sexually suggestive that the security guards were forced to hit the ladies with a spray from the fire extinguisher. Although i cant confirm or deny whether Mr. Scott shared company that night, I can confirm that it appears this a new approach to the classic 'meet and greet' we call flirtatious dancing, and to be honest, it scares me.